Do You Know Where My Mom Is?

It’s almost 10 o’clock at night. Do you know where my mom is? I’ll tell you where she is. She went to a writers’ conference without me . . . or even Dad! So while she’s enjoying a conference on the shores of Lake Michigan with all those strange people who stare at their light boxes and listen to the people in their heads, I’m left utterly alone. Well, okay, not utterly alone. But the big guy is busy going to work or working at home.

He is too busy for a little cat. I stand on his scooter and try to look pathetic. (It’s a medical scooter to help him get around since his ankle surgery.) He should be sitting in his recliner instead of at the kitchen table, so I can cozy up on his lap. Alas, the best I can do is watch the birds on a nearby chair. Sigh. I miss my full time servant—I mean—my mom. If you see her, would you please tell her she needs to come home and feed me right now!

All I can say is when she gets done talking to all those editors and important authors
at that writers' conference, she better have a big contract, so she can buy me more treats.
And if she hasn't, then she better have a good excuse. I do not find this amusing
whatsoever.

The All Night Kitty Buffet!

I'm ba-ack! Lilybits, not large,
but in charge (as usual).

Living here with my absent-minded writer mom and engineer dad has its perks. Like the night before last, Mom was feeding me a snack and she was distracted. Why? Because she had forgotten to put the sheets in the dryer earlier in the day, she was just running to get them out of the dryer at the end of the day, and rushing upstairs to make the bed. In the process she forgot to put away my wet food and left a can open on the counter in the kitchen. I discussed the reason for such forgetfulness in my previous post concerning MFADD.

Come closer and let me tell you a little secret: I’m not supposed to walk on the counter, but just between you and me, I do when Mom and Dad aren’t around. You won’t tell, will you?

BEST. NIGHT. EVER. I had the all night kitty buffet going. I mean I couldn’t believe it. I’d jump up on the kitchen island, look around, then I’d take a nibble from the can. If I wanted something crunchy, I’d go over to my dish for a few pieces of kibble and then back to the wet food. Then, when I’d had my fill for a time, I went upstairs and snuggled down between mom and dad—hee hee—without their knowing a thing.

Then, yesterday morning, Dad came downstairs first and blew my cover. Before I knew it, the contents of the can were absconded and the party was over. I noticed Mom didn’t give me a midnight snack last night. I need to perfect my whining and distraction techniques, so I can figure out how to get another all night kitty buffet again, soon!

Mmm . . . Mom's dinner looks good.

Then again, when everybody writes me in on their ballot and I’m elected president, I understand I can have an all night kitty buffet every night!

Tweet this: Lilybits says, "I have a secret to share. You won't
tell, will you?"

Lilybits: News, Views, and Celebrating our 200th Blog Post!

Celebrate!

This is not just any post, it’s a 200^th blog post! Mom and I are celebrating today. We're even giving away a $10 Amazon gift card Of course, she couldn’t have done it without my help.

Views:

In case you’re wondering about how my campaign is going, I have fired my campaign manager for not being able to get me into the latest political debate. Also, the donations are coming in awfully slowly. An occasional trickle of kibble and treats just isn’t getting the job done. I may have to suspend the campaign for awhile, like Governors, Walker and Perry.

And news:

Lately I’ve been learning about how to take care of dad since he had surgery on his ankle. I’m teaching him to steer his scooter carefully by getting in his way and running away at the last second so as not to get run over. I sleep on his lap sometimes when he is sitting in his chair. This way he stays warm. And sometimes I sit on his scooter and watch him eat. I’m teaching him to share and not feel sorry for himself. He’s not stuck eating kibble and wet food for sensitive stomachs. Yuck! Anyway, with my watchful companionship, I believe he is healing up quite well. 

Reminiscing:

Partially to celebrate our 200^th post, and partially to honor the memory of my Minnesota cousin, Harley, who passed on over the rainbow bridge a few months ago, I am again sharing an earlier post “Help from Harley”. I hope you will enjoy Harley’s practical advice and wry sense of humor.

HELP FROM HARLEY (Originally posted March 20, 2014)

Lily apologizes because Rush Limbaugh wasn’t available and Oprah didn’t have enough advance notice, so today’s special host is Harley the Himalayan of Lakeville, Minnesota. He’s taking questions from cats around the country from his non-motorized power basket situated under the living room table.

Dear Harley: My colorblind human brought home a new pink cat bed for me to sleep in. He doesn’t care, because he can’t see color, but I can. Do I have to be worried about compromising my masculinity by sleeping in it?

Signed,

Fanger from Fargo

Dear Fanger: You have nothing to worry about. After all, look at me. Besides, the feline babes love it!

Harley the Himalayan in his non-motorized power basket.

Dear Harley: My humans brought home a snotty little kitten. She comes over to lick my fur while I’m trying to sleep. I am a mature, elegant cat who has no time for such nonsense. What do you suggest I do to put her in place?

Signed, 

Tertius from Teaneck

Dear Tertius: I suggest large doses of catnip and if there’s some left over, give it to the kitten.

Tasha, partied out.

Dear Harley: How do you keep your hair so beautiful? Lily says she gets lots of grooming tips from you. What do you suggest?

Signed, 

Tangled in Trenton

Dear Tangled: Two words: crème rinse.

(Not Harley)

Which of these questions and answers did you like the best? I must admit, Harley
got right to the point!

To enter the drawing for the Amazon gift card, leave a
comment and an email address (where you can be contacted
in case you win), to qualify. You will not receive unsolicited
email from me and will only receive my posts in your email
if you go to the sidebar and subscribe. 

Tweet this: Lilybits: News, Views, and Celebrating our 200th Blog Post! Amazon card #giveaway! #cathumor

Does LOL Make You Feel Better?

Who hasn’t turned first to “Laughter is the Best Medicine” or “Humor in Uniform” in Reader’s Digest? Well, perhaps not so much the younger generation. Even before research was ever done on humor, we knew that laughter makes us feel good inside.

Research has revealed that a good guffaw increases oxygen intake and blood flow while relieving stress. Watching something humorous may help you better tolerate the pain in your humerus--or pain any other place in your body. A gaggle of giggles may cause the release of endorphins, those brain chemicals that make you feel good. It can even boost your immune system.

The naysayers don’t believe there is necessarily conclusive evidence, since it’s hard not to create a biased study and include all the right parameters. But let’s face it, watching a comedy or reading humorous writing just makes you feel better and can give you a lift for the day.

There are so many things in this world: violence, poverty, illness, and daily tragedies we are bombarded with through the media. If we are alive and breathing we will each face difficulties in our lives—if not today, then someday.

In God’s own word, Proverbs 17:22 says, “A merry heart does good, like medicine, But a broken spirit dries the bones.” We can only focus on the sad and seemingly hopeless situations in our lives for so long. The Lord gave us the capacity for humor, for sharing smiles, and for good rollicking laughter with it’s healing touch.

Lilybits says, "I am not amused!"

Sometimes just the irony of a situation is enough to present us with a way to look at it humorously.  Stepping back from our difficulties and looking at the blessings in life can give us that glimpse of hope we desperately need. Seeing the funny side of life helps us look at the world differently. That's why Lilybits and I like to focus on “The good, the cat, and the inspiring.” We would love to know that our blog makes you smile or, perhaps, LOL each time you stop by. And we trust you will forgive us for an occasional overdose of
silliness! 
Tweet to Share: Does LOL Make You Feel Better? via @kathleenrouser #laughterheals 

LILYBITS for PRESIDENT in 2016!

  Background photo-Epic Fireworks {CC} Modified

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed here are not supported by any political party. They aren't necessarily endorsed by the owner of this blog. The views expressed in this article are definitely from a whimsical cat's eye point of view. 

As a feline of some distinction, I am quite upset neither major political party has considered me for a run. A run for president in 2016 that is.

That guy with the big mouth and toupee may be complaining about illegal aliens, but I suggest there’s a more dire threat out there. Our major cities have rats and mice lurking in all the dark places. Why, I could command an army of cats to take care of that problem in no time.

What about those politicians who used to brag they’d put a “chicken in every pot?” I’m suggesting that it would be less expensive and more nutritious to put a can of tuna in every cupboard! Besides, tuna contains all those omega fatty acids, which are good for your brain. Hmm . . . wait a minute . . . we don’t need our humans getting smarter. Perhaps a chicken in every pot for them and leave the tuna in the cupboard to the cats. Yes, this is a much better idea for my platform.

If you’re concerned about the leader of the free world not having opposable thumbs, well, who do you think is typing this? I’m quite clever after all. I have trained my live-in servants well. Without any work, other than being cute, I have obtained a home, two wet food meals a day and free flowing kibble. What have you done to improve your circumstances lately, without working for it, I may add? Hmm?

Purrs and head scratchings are excellent for diplomatic proceedings. (One of our former presidents proved that by giving the German chancellor a back rub.) A slight tilt of the head and my large expressive eyes will get a diplomat from anywhere to cave to my demands quite quickly. 

Now, considering your doubts because of my youth, since I am around nine in human years, I am actually around 45 in cat years. I’ve been around the block. Well, not literally. I'm not allowed outside. (Fleas!) Now that Mom is brushing me regularly and I’m getting that tasty hairball medicine, I’m in pretty good shape, though.

If you’re worried about the defense of our nation, I am very territorial and will protect it this country by fang and claw! And so will my army of FFF (Ferocious Female Felines). We’ll leave the defense on water to the human navy, though. Might I remind you cats don’t like to get wet?

If you find me less silly, cleverer and more startlingly beautiful than the other candidates, then write in Lilybits Rouser for president at your state’s next presidential primary. After all if you're going to vote for a third party you might as well vote for me. A vote is a terrible thing to waste!

Tweet to share: What happens when a cat tries to run for political office? Find out at http://bit.ly/1N6eN6q via @kathleenrouser #silly #cats

Lily's List of Some Little Used Words

Mom and I have been rereading Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen and I’ve found a plethora of words nobody uses anymore. I like the sound of that word, plethora. It nearly sounds like there’s a purr in it! Plethora, purrrrr! 

Onto some less used words, in no particular order, and Lilybits’ examples of usage:

panegyric – a public speech or published text in praise of someone or something.

Example: Very seldom will I write a panegyric for Mom’s punctuality in feeding me.

precipitance – a cause of a particular action or event.

Example: Mother’s slowness of anticipating my needs is precipitance of my crabby moods.

celerity – ARCHAIC or POETIC/LITERARY swiftness of movement.

Example: I often attack and claw the great room couch with celerity. I also escape and hide from my mom with much celerity when she chases me. (This is definitely not to be confused with celery, something you eat, or celebrities, those make-up slathered people on the cover of the latest gossip mag.) Okay, Mom says I’m just being obnoxious at this point. Sorry, sort of.

expostulation – express strong disapproval or disagreement.

Example: I whine in expostulation when Mother doesn’t feed me quickly enough.

asperity – harshness or sharpness of tone, temper, or manner; severity; acrimony.

Example: My whining and begging take on a tone of asperity when I’m waiting for my wet food.

Mom has pointed out that I am using these fascinating old-fashioned words to complain too much about my dissatisfaction during my incarceration in this house. However, what are words if they’re not for expressing our innermost thoughts (complaints) and communicating our feelings (anger)?

The above words were from only the first few chapters of Pride and Prejudice. There are many more you can learn to prepare for more lively conversation at teatime. You’re welcome!

Tweet this: What old-fashioned words would you like to see used more often?

Three Reasons Your Cat Can Tell It's Spring--According to Lilybits

Being groomed against my will.

1) It’s shedding time! The trees and flowers may be budding, but I am getting new fur and shedding my winter coat like crazy. Mom and Dad are constantly interrupting my busy day by proposing grooming sessions. Getting brushed is all right and actually feels pretty good, but I’m not going to let them know that. He he! 

Far superior self-grooming. 

2) The screen is in the front door. And now I’m practicing fast starts as well as dashes around furniture and human feet. Since the weather is turning warm and sunny, I am waiting for that moment when Mom or Dad least expect me to sneak out onto the patio to catch some rays. Or to eat grass, so I can throw up when I come back in. Very seldom do I escape this terrible imprisonment. I can’t even get out on parole for good behavior, but I need to be ready for my five glorious minutes of freedom!

3) Spring rains are here! I won’t try to escape when the rain is pouring down. Nope. All those gloppy wet droplets coating my fur remind me of the evil squirt bottle Mom and Dad use to curtail any naughty behavior. I keep threatening to call ASPCA, but they don’t seem to understand what I’m saying.

I guess I will be forced to stay inside all summer, sleep in my sunny spot, be fed two canned food meals a day, along with free access to my kibble and cold water to drink—yes—I do like to drink water, especially if it’s in Mom’s glass. Spring is here, but I am forced to observe all the birds and chipmunks through a screen.

Such a rough life! But you should see Simon’s Cat romping in the rain, below. And that kitten is so difficult to deal with. Maybe I could teach him a few lessons.

M-FADD?

Lilybits, not large, but in charge.

Unfortunately, there is no special association for this crippling disorder, though it affects productivity the world over. Tasks are left undone, people go to work or school without lunch and there are unpaid library late fees everywhere! Keys and eye glasses are misplaced--and it's hard to find one without the other.

What disorder causes so much trouble in the fabric of life? M-Fadd is Menopausal Female Attention Deficit Disorder. And Mom has a really bad case. It becomes obvious when something like this happens: I gently remind Mom to scoop my princess potty by standing in the hallway near the laundry room and staring at her. “All right,” she says, “one more bon-bon and I will peel my lazy carcass off the couch to take care of you.” Well, maybe I’m exaggerating here. She’s not that lazy.

Anyway, when she finally jumps up to obey my wishes, Mom remembers that the clothes in the washing machine need to go in the dryer, but the items in the dryer need to be folded and put away. If the items in the dryer happen to be kitchen towels, then she takes them to put away in the drawer in the kitchen island. She notices that the island is cluttered and there are dishes in the sink. But before she does the dishes, she puts away a book that was sitting on the island and another one from the table. Pretty soon Mom is sitting down, reading, and leaving several tasks undone.

Two hours later . . . I am still waiting for her to scoop my princess potty, but now I’m also hungry! Since then, Mom has put down the book and is feeling inspired to write. She has the laptop on her lap, so I jump up to perch on her knee and stare at her. Okay, it’s more of a glare. She should realize by now, I am doing the kitty mind meld thing with her and sending important mental messages that I would like my dinner now! By the time she realizes it’s time to feed me, she also sees that it’s time to make dinner for her and Dad!

This slowness to read my telepathic messages is mostly likely another symptom of M-FADD.  And believe me, Mom is already slow enough. I have come to understand that I must occasionally exercise understanding and patience. While you would think this would come easily to a sensitive, intelligent creature like myself, my imperious nature doesn’t usually make such allowances. Sigh. Mom has told me patience is a virtue.

Mom has shared there isn’t a cure for this M-FADD, unfortunately, except for endlessly making lists and trying to remember to check them. Coffee helps with Mom’s alertness and a little chocolate never hurts.

Do you know anyone with M-FADD? Or do you have any suggestions to help curb its disastrous effects?

Zephyr Yarn? No Fooling!

Well, I didn’t know that yarn had different names like zephyr yarn? Did you? Zephyr yarn is any kind of really soft yarn made from synthetic materials or natural ones like wool and silk. Here’s a website which sells this kind of yarn, made from wool and silk, if you’d like to see what it looks like.

I’m wondering if it’s named after the soft west wind, known as the zephyr. Of course, this is only my pondering on the word’s origins.

Zephyr yarn is apparently the most useful for knitting lacy shawls and that kind of thing, but I’m thinking it’s most important property is being soft on kitty paws. If I could only get my claws on some, but Mom likes to knit with chunkier yarns that take less time to knit into something substantial, like a scarf. I keep telling her patience is a virtue. Wait a minute—maybe Mom told me that! I’d like to sink my claws into some zephyr yarn during my playtime. How do I get a hold of some? I suppose Mom would be upset if I used her charge card to order some. What do you think?

Doesn't this yarn look fun to play with?

Today we’ve hit the end of the alphabet, but thanks for joining me for this winter’s A to Z Meme. I hope you’ll come back and read my future musings of this feline life in captivity!

Here's a video for your amusement (Honestly, you humans don't need much to be amused.) of a cat playing with yarn:

Yawn! Don't Yawn!

Lilybits, not large, but in charge!

Yawn!

Now that you’ve read that word, did you yawn? Yawns are contagious, you know, possibly due to the fact that humans can be empathetic. Sometimes I catch Mom yawning after I let loose one of my big cat yawns. This is theoretically all up for debate, of course.

Since people often connect yawning to sleepiness or boredom, you could see how a cat like myself might yawn quite a few times a day. After all we are smart enough to get more sleep than you humans do—sometimes up to 20 hours a day!

New research concludes that yawning is actually a form of cooling the brain. You open your mouth and suck all that cool air in. It hits tissue in your mouth and throat, cooling your blood stream and your brain is primed and ready to think better.

Of course, this makes a lot of sense for a cat like myself, who does lots of big thinking. I have to figure out new ways of being cute and begging for food successfully. I also have to make quick mathematical calculations before I take a leap from one piece of furniture to another. I’m also learning to communicate. Sometimes I can lead Mom over to the laundry room with a certain whine and look, so that she remembers to scoop the icky stuff in my princess potty.

What about you? What makes you yawn?

My apologies to my readers and fellow A to Z meme bloggers that so many links lead right back to this blog! I made a little mistake when linking this blog.

X-Axis=Nap, not Math

Lilybits, not large, but in charge!

Originally, I was going to write about xenon, since it’s a noble gas and I am surely descended from nobility at the very least, if not royalty! But xenon is colorless, odorless and tasteless. What a boring gas! Not only that, but xenon can be used as a general anesthetic. It really puts you to sleep!

Moving on: Now the X-axis is something I can get into to or, should I say, on top of. The x-axis is my favorite axis—it’s horizontal. Since it’s horizontal, I can nap on it. Or I can perch on top of it and look ferocious!

The world is filled with x-axis surfaces, which intersect with y-axis walls. Walls aren’t my favorite surfaces. They keep me confined and if you try to sleep on a wall, gravity will pull you down. The best I could do to hang onto the y-axis would be to grab onto a curtain with my claws and hold on for dear life.

Rene Descartes

Let me explain a little more, the x-axis is the horizontal axis of a two-dimensional Cartesian coordinate system. Ooh, that sounds like a secret society, doesn’t it? Or maybe something in outer space? You may discuss this while I clean my fur. Done yet? Okay, the system is actually named for Rene Descartes’ mathematical system. He’s one of those famous guys who lived a long time ago and had something to do with philosophy.

Some of my favorite x-axes are the shelf under the foyer table, Mom’s lap (which is a rather lumpy x-axis), the bed (also rather lumpy, but comfy) and a plain old carpeted floor. These fairly flat surfaces serve their purposes well. What are some of your favorite x-axis surfaces?

WHY Your Cat Makes You a Better Person

Lilybits, not large, but in charge!

Cats may not be good for your ego, but they make you a better person and here’s why:

Take my mom for example. She is needy beyond all reason, wanting to cuddle frequently, while I’m trying my best to be a cool cat. I force her to guess what makes me happy. If she makes me happy, then I’m glad to spend time with her. After the treats are given and chase and hide and seek game are finished, I may have time to curl up on her lap for awhile.

Mom is learning to be less selfish and put my needs first. Your cat can do this for you too.

Cats also keep humans from having inflated self-images, while dogs accept everything about you. Is this really good for a human? Cats snub their humans when it doesn’t suit their mood to be playful or cuddly or perhaps if they’re a bit insulted you left them all day. This makes for a more humble human. (Note to my feline friends: Don’t push your luck too far. Humans can be rather sensitive and we have to leave them with some sense of control and a shred of dignity.)

Cats are also such beautiful creatures they help you look better. After all, who will pay attention to you in your stretchy pants and stained t-shirt, when there is a beautiful, furry creature with large expressive eyes in the same room.

Feline pets keep you from being sloppy. No longer will you leave half-empty water glasses unattended in a room or partially eaten meat of any kind, for that matter.

I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture. Having a feline companion is an excellent way to build character and make yourself more attractive. If you don’t already have one, run, don’t walk to your nearest pet adoption center and bring a cat home with you! Unless you’re allergic, of course. More is the pity for you, but you can always read my column, which I’m sure will affect you
positively.

Violets and Cats? Very Interesting!

What do violets have to do with cats? Let’s back up a moment—I could use the word “very” for my V word and remind all of you that I am a very pretty, very smart, very funny cat, etc.; but that would be plain boring. All of my readers already know these are well-established facts. I’m not bragging, just being honest.

Now onto violet, the word of the week:

One thing about violets—many people wonder whether houseplants, like African violets, are poisonous to kitties. For those who enjoy this plant’s lovely purple blooms, there’s good news: They’re non-toxic to cats! For an exhaustive list of plants which are toxic and non-toxic go the ASPCA website.

Violet also gets around as a name for cats. Mom knows a real person who has an adorable kitten named Violet. There’s also a fictitious Violet, who Cynthia Coppersmith, the lady who marries Fr. Tim Kavanaugh, in the Mitford series books, writes about. I’ve heard some of the stories on CD, on the long car ride up north. Cynthia has a pet cat named Violet and writes children's books about the pretend adventures of her cat. Did you know the author of the Mitford series, Jan Karon, helped create some real books about Violet with author Melanie Cecka? Okay. Now this is getting downright confusing. You can check out more about these books at this LINK, while I lick my paws.

Are you a Downton Abbey fan? Mom is. (Insert eye roll here.) This show is based on a barbaric time in history when cats were usually kept just to control the mice population rather than be appreciated for their elegance. Instead, in this show, the people are dressed prettily and placed in an elegant historical setting. I am usually hiding under the dresser while Mom watches Downton Abbey. Occasionally I will hang out with Mom and Dad for a good head petting at that time. One of the characters on that show is a rather fearsome lady—Lady Violet Crawley. She may be cunning, but she doesn’t understand the subtlety of cats. (Here are some of her forthright quotes.) I think she would send a naughty house cat away to fend for itself. I shiver at the thought. 

And then there may be some cats with violet eyes. Albino Siamese cats sometimes appear to have lavender eyes (close enough). And apparently Siberian cats sometimes have them as well. Watch the video below and tell me whether you think this cat’s eyes are blue or violet? No offense, but for some reason I like green cat eyes the best. I am tired from writing this exhaustive article. It’s time for me to find a heat vent to nap on top or—or jump on Mom while she’s sleeping. Yeah, the second choice sounds better. Purr.

Underneath Where?

Lilybits, not large, but in charge!

Under simply means “beneath and covered by” or “below the surface of.” Some of my favorite places in the house are underneath things—especially during the winter. I like to lie on my pink blankie that Mom knitted for me, underneath the foyer table. Well, technically it’s the shelf under the table. That's where heat vent blows some of the warmest air on me!

Under the table without my blankie.

During Christmas season, one of my special spots to spend time is under the Christmas tree, but on top of the soft Christmas tree skirt. It’s especially good for skidding under when I want Mom to chase me. She’s lazy enough to not always feel like crawling on the floor to grab me.

Don't I make a pretty Christmas present?

After dinner I like to hide under Mom’s dresser right on top of a different heat vent. It helps to have variety. One of my other favorite underneath spots is under Mom and Dad’s bed. I like to sneak under there late at night and then pounce on my humans when they least expect while they’re sleeping. (I like to do this when I feel especially Tigger-ish. You know, like Tigger from Winnie the Pooh stories.) This way I can make sure they’re still breathing. After all, someone has to feed me!

Being silly under the piano.

Of course, there are times when I like to sleep on top of the furniture or on top of Mom or Dad to make sure they remember who is in charge. But underneath spots are cozy places . . . as long as I can escape any time I want. Not that I'm claustrophobic or anything. It's just that I must be allowed to roam like the predatory cat that I am . . . yeah, that's the reason!